Build Better Sexual Communication and Connect With Your Partner
Sex isn’t just about what happens between the sheets, it’s about what happens between you and your partner. Truly satisfying sex starts with one essential ingredient: communication. Yep, it’s that simple.
However, talking about sex can feel awkward, vulnerable, and sometimes downright scary. A lot of couples I see haven’t really talked much about sex, but with some focused intention, you can start building powerful sexual communication skills quickly and feel more connected to your partner than ever before.
Start With Radical Honesty and Curiosity
Radical honesty is a key factor. This means telling the truth about your needs, desires, fantasies, and even your insecurities. Most of us have learned to tiptoe around sexual conversations, worrying about rejection or judgment, or there is the expectation that my partner should know what I want. None of us are mind readers, no matter how long we’ve been with our partner. Honesty, when delivered with kindness, is the doorway to deeper intimacy.
How do I do this you may ask? Start by setting aside a “no-judgment” time to talk with your partner about sex outside of the bedroom, not during sex. I tell my clients to be intentional with this conversation and ask open-ended questions like:
“What’s something you’ve always wanted to try?”
“How do you feel most loved or turned on?”
“What makes sex feel really connected for you?”
“How do you experience pleasure?
Take the time to listen to your partner without interrupting or trying to fix. Just hear them. That alone can spark incredible shifts in your relationship.
Use the “New Monogamy Agreement”
For couples who don’t plan to open their relationship this is essentially a personalized sexual contract between partners that lays out what you do want, what you’re willing to explore, and what your boundaries are. This can allow for you and your partner to reflect on your understanding of commitment, not just to each other, but to each other’s evolving desires.
Ditch the Scripts and Speak in Real Time
We often come into relationships with sexual scripts, roles, routines and expectations we’ve learned from past experiences or societal norms. I encourage couples to release these scripts and stay present. That means tuning into your partner’s body language, breath, and verbal feedback during intimacy. If something feels amazing, say it! If something doesn’t work, don’t fake it. Gently redirect or suggest something else.
Practice giving and receiving feedback during sex in a low-pressure way. Try phrases like:
“That feels really good—can you keep doing that?”
“Can we try this a little slower/faster/deeper?”
“I love it when you [specific action].”
Clients have told me that this can feel awkward at first, but as they put it into practice, they report that simple, honest communication brings connection and more pleasure. It’s an opportunity to learn more about each other.
Embrace Pleasure as a Shared Journey
Sex isn’t about performance. This is an idea that tends to remain stuck in our ideas of intimacy based on what we see in the media, movies, porn, but guess what, it’s actually about pleasure. When you shift your focus from “doing it right” to exploring together, sex becomes a playground instead of a pressure cooker. Create an atmosphere where sex is about fun and playful.
Building sexual communication skills doesn’t require years of practice. All it requires is intention. So, talk about sex with your partner. Ask questions. Be honest. Be playful. Explore. The connection you want is closer than you think.