How to Set Holiday Boundaries as a Team
Before diving into holiday plans, sit down together before invitations start rolling in and talk about your hopes and limits for the season. Begin by asking each other, what do the holidays mean to you? Where do you feel stretched or stressed? What traditions matter most? What do you want more of or less this year?
When these planning conversations bring up stress or differing opinions, try using the Gottman concept of “turning toward” each other. This means responding with interest and empathy rather than defensiveness or withdrawal. Simple phrases like, “I can see why that matters to you” or “Tell me more about what you’re hoping for,” help maintain connection even during difficult discussions. Turning toward builds the emotional bank account you’ll draw from throughout the holiday season.
Set boundaries and honor each other’s needs. Family can be one of the most emotionally charged parts of the holiday season. Different traditions, unspoken obligations or complicated family dynamics can all add pressure. Healthy boundaries help you and your partner stay aligned.
Together decide where you will go and where you won’t. You don’t have to attend every gathering. You don’t have to split time exactly 50/50. What you do need is a plan that feels fair, respectful, and realistic for both of you.
This one is really important. Communicate boundaries to family, using “we” reinforces that your decisions are a joint choice, not one partner’s preference over the other’s.
Protect your time together as a couple. Even if you're traveling or hosting, carve out time that’s just for the two of you whether it’s a walk, a late-night debrief or a morning coffee ritual. Staying connected helps you avoid feeling lost in the rush.
Spend in alignment, not obligation. Financial stress is one of the most common holiday conflicts. Aligning on spending limits preserves both emotional and financial well-being. Setting financial boundaries doesn’t make you less generous; it makes you intentional. Most people understand and appreciate clarity.
Protect your energy. Holiday schedules can fill up quickly sometimes before you’ve even had a chance to breathe. Healthy time boundaries help you avoid burnout. You don’t have to accept invitations in the moment. Try: “Thanks for the invite. We’ll check our schedule and get back to you.” Also, avoid back-to-back commitments. Choose one major event per day or weekend if possible. Rest is part of the holiday season too.
A few reflections to take with you. Setting boundaries isn’t about creating distance, it’s about protecting your time, money, energy and emotional well-being as a team. When couples approach the holidays with shared intention, they experience less conflict, more joy and deeper connection.
With thoughtful communication and mutual support, the holiday season can become a time not just of celebration, but of teamwork, intimacy and clarity.