Opening the Door: A Guide to Starting Your Journey into an Open Relationship
Are you and your partner curious about exploring non-monogamy or opening your relationship? Maybe you’ve fantasized about dating other people, having more expansive sexual experiences, or deepening your personal freedom all while maintaining a loving, connected relationship.
As a sex therapist, I often meet clients who are eager to explore consensual non-monogamy but aren’t sure where to start. The good news? There’s no one right way to open your relationship, but there are thoughtful, ethical and emotionally aware ways to do it.
Here are some sex-positive tips to guide you on your journey into open relationships.
1. Get Clear on Your “Why”
I call this your “Anchor Reason.” Before diving into logistics or dating apps, take time to reflect on why you’re interested in opening your relationship. It’s important that this reason is about you, not your partner. Ask yourself, is it about expanding your sexual experiences? Building community? Deepening your connection through honesty and freedom?
Non-monogamy isn’t just about sex. It’s about authenticity, choice, and intentionality. Clarifying your motivation can help guide your choices and create shared meaning with your partner.
2. Communicate — Then Communicate Some More
If there’s one rule in open relationships, it’s this: radical communication is key. In fact several scientific studies show that couples in open relationships tend to communicate more typically because you are discussing new ways to engage others in your relationship while also maintain a strong relationship with your partner. It also allows couples to talk more openly about their fantasies, desires and insecurities.
It's not a one-time conversation — it's ongoing. You’ll need to develop a shared language and grow your emotional literacy together.
Ask each other:
What does “open” mean to us?
What are our boundaries?
What emotional or sexual needs are we hoping to explore?
What support do we each need to feel safe?
3. Together Create (and Revisit) Agreements
Every open relationship is unique, and you get to design the structure that works for you. Whether it’s swinging, polyamory, or a “monogamish” dynamic, creating clear agreements helps build trust.
Agreements can include:
Who you date or have sex with (e.g., only with others together, or separately, common friends, people outside of the town you reside)
Safe sex practices
Time boundaries (e.g., sleepovers, date nights)
How much detail you want to share
I tell my clients that agreements aren’t set in stone. People change, relationships evolve, and agreements should adapt too.
Schedule regular “relationship check-ins” to revisit and revise your agreements with compassion.
4. Make Room for Jealousy — and Learn From It
Let’s be real here - jealousy is natural, especially at the start of non-monogamous exploration. You are not doing it wrong if you feel jealous at times. Rather than avoiding it or pretending it doesn’t exist, treat jealousy as a teacher.
Ask yourself: What is this feeling telling me? Am I afraid of being left out, not being enough, or losing control?
Learning to manage jealousy means building emotional resilience, trusting your partner, and developing a deeper understanding of yourself.
Instead of labeling jealousy as “bad,” approach it with mindfulness. Talk about your feelings without blame and be open to reassurance and care.
5. Cultivate Joy and Pleasure — Not Just Management
Opening your relationship isn’t just about managing risks. It’s also about embracing more joy, connection, and pleasure.
Celebrate what’s going well. Cheer each other on. Talk about your sexy wins. Share fantasies. Build a sex-positive mindset that focuses not just on fear, but on expansion and abundance.
Embracing non-monogamy is about embracing the belief that you are worthy of love, pleasure, and freedom and so is your partner.
6. Find Community and Resources
You don’t have to do this alone. Seek out books, podcasts, and I would encourage, a sex-positive therapist who can support you.
Community helps normalize your experiences, validate your fears, and connect you with others who are walking a similar path.
Final Thoughts
Opening a relationship can feel exhilarating, confusing, vulnerable, and freeing — sometimes all at once. But when approached with integrity, honesty, and care, it can also be one of the most transformative experiences in your relationship life.
Let yourself be a beginner. Let yourself grow. And above all, let your journey into non-monogamy be guided by compassion, not perfection.