Talking to Your Partner About Opening Up: A Step-by-Step Guide
Before you bring it up with your partner, take time to understand what you really want.
Are you seeking novelty, sexual exploration or emotional connection with others?
Is this coming from desire — or from dissatisfaction you hope to fix externally?
What are your fears and boundaries around non-monogamy?
The clearer you are about your motivations and limits, the easier it’ll be to communicate honestly instead of defensively.
Step 2: Choose the Right Moment
This is not a conversation to drop mid-argument or right before bed.
Pick a calm, private time where you both have space to talk and listen. This could be during a walk, on a weekend morning or over a quiet dinner.
Set the tone by saying something like:
“I really care about our relationship and there’s something important I’d like to talk about not because something’s wrong, but because I value our honesty and want to share something that’s been on my mind.”
Framing it this way helps your partner feel safe rather than blindsided.
Step 3: Lead With Curiosity, Not Ultimatums
Avoid starting with, “I want to open our relationship.” Instead, start with curiosity and invite in dialogue:
“I’ve been learning about different relationship styles, like open or polyamorous relationships, and I’m wondering what you think about that.”
This signals that you’re wanting to have a conversation, not announcing a decision. Stay open to their feelings. Curiosity is a two-way street.
Step 4: Validate Their Reactions
Expect a mix of emotions. Your partner might feel hurt, confused, intrigued or even excited. All are normal.
If they feel threatened or rejected, reassure them:
“I’m not saying you’re not enough. I love what we have. I just want to be honest about something that’s been on my mind.”
Remember: bringing up non-monogamy doesn’t mean you’re dissatisfied. It means you value honesty enough to talk about it openly with your partner.
Step 5: Exploring What “Open” Could Look Like — Together
If the conversation feels safe and your partner is open to exploring further, start by examining what an open relationship would possibly look like and feel like for you and your partner.
Some questions to guide you both:
It’s normal if part of you feels scared or unsure. What worries come up for you when we talk about this — jealousy, loss of connection, feeling replaced?
When you picture an open relationship, what does that look like for you? Is it casual dating, sexual experiences, or something more emotional?”
“Would you be open to learning together — maybe reading Opening Up or talking to a therapist who understands ethical non-monogamy?”
Step 6: Take It Slow
There’s no rush. Opening a relationship is a process, not a single decision. You might start with hypothetical talks, read a book or listen to a podcast together or meet with a sex-positive therapist who specializes in non-monogamy.
The goal should not be to convince your partner. It’s to understand each other more deeply. Whether you decide to explore or stay monogamous, you’ll likely strengthen your communication and honesty along the way.
In the Spirit of Growth
Talking about opening up a relationship can feel risky, but silence and secrecy are far riskier. Love can grow in many directions, and honest conversation is where that growth begins.
Even if the answer is “no,” you’ll walk away with a deeper understanding of each other’s needs and that’s the foundation of any healthy, connected partnership.