Building Trust in a Relationship
Trust is the foundation of any thriving relationship. Without it, even love, passion or shared goals can falter under the weight of insecurity and doubt. For couples struggling with communication, emotional disconnect, or the aftermath of betrayal, rebuilding trust can feel overwhelming, but it’s possible. Couples can rediscover the safety, intimacy, and connection they crave.
Whether you're facing challenges in your relationship or simply want to deepen your connection, understanding how trust works is key.
What Does Trust Really Mean in a Relationship?
Trust isn't just about fidelity. It is built through "small moments of connection." These are the everyday gestures—checking in during a stressful day, listening without judgment, turning toward your partner instead of away—that slowly build a foundation of reliability and emotional safety.
Additionally, trust also involves the capacity to hold space for each other's independence. It's not just “I can rely on you,” but also, “I trust you to be yourself and still stay connected to me.”
The Gottman Approach to Trust: Turning Toward
In the Gottman Method, one of the most powerful tools for building trust is the concept of "turning toward." Throughout the day, couples make what the Gottman’s call “bids for connection.” These might be as simple as a sigh, a glance, or a comment like, “Look at that sunset.”
When your partner makes a bid, you have three choices:
Turn toward (respond positively)
Turn away (ignore)
Turn against (respond with irritation or contempt)
Consistently turning toward these bids helps build your emotional bank account—a reservoir of goodwill and trust. Over time, this fosters a deeper sense of emotional safety.
Balancing Intimacy and Autonomy
While we see how trust emphasizes safety and consistency, it’s also important to explore how trust must also accommodate mystery, individuality, and desire. Renowned couple’s therapy psychologist, Esther Perel, speaks to the tension between our need for security and our need for freedom—what she calls the “paradox of intimacy.”
In long-term relationships, trust doesn’t mean knowing everything about your partner; it means respecting their inner world, and trusting that even in their separateness they choose to stay connected.
This can be especially healing for couples navigating betrayal, infidelity, or disconnection. I often ask couples to consider, “What does this experience reveal about the relationship—and about each of you” Trust can be rebuilt not by returning to the way things were, but by creating a new narrative, one in which both partners grow and participate equally.
How Couples Counseling Can Help
If you and your partner feel like you're speaking different languages or struggling to recover from a breach of trust, working with a couples therapist can offer the space, tools and guidance needed to rebuild.
Here’s how counseling can help:
Strengthen Communication: Learn how to recognize and respond to each other’s emotional bids.
Repair After Conflict: Understand the art of repair attempts, and how to move through conflict without lingering resentment.
Rebuild After Betrayal: Explore the emotional meaning behind infidelity or broken trust and create a new foundation together.
Deepen Intimacy: Embrace both closeness and individuality, fostering a dynamic, evolving connection.
Create Shared Meaning: Develop rituals, values and shared dreams that give your relationship purpose and direction.
Trust is not a one-time decision. It’s a daily practice. It's built in small moments and tested during hard ones. It asks for vulnerability, presence and a willingness to grow both as individuals and as a couple.
Ready to Rebuild Trust in Your Relationship?
If you and your partner are ready to explore counseling, I invite you to schedule a consultation. Whether you’re navigating challenges or simply want to reconnect more deeply, the right support can make all the difference.