Healing After Conflict: Gottman’s 5 Steps to Repair and Reconnect

No matter how strong your relationship is, conflict is inevitable. What sets healthy couples apart isn’t the absence of fights—but how they recover from them.

Let’s walk through Gottman’s five-step repair model, which I often use in couples therapy to guide partners toward healing.

1. Share Your Feelings (Without Blame)

In the heat of a fight, emotions run high. Hurt, anger, disappointment and frustration can bubble over. The first step toward repair is to pause and reflect: What was I feeling during the conflict? I tell clients to share their feelings and avoid commenting on their partner’s feelings.

The key here is to express feelings in a way that is honest, yet non-attacking. I encourage clients to use “I” statements like:

• “I felt unimportant when you walked away.”

• “I was overwhelmed and scared I was losing you.”

This step isn’t about blaming or rehashing the argument. It’s about acknowledging the emotional experience each person had. When you can talk about emotions vulnerably, you create space for empathy, rather than defensiveness.

2. Share Your Reality/Experience

Next, partners are encouraged to describe what they remember happening, what they experienced that felt true to them—without trying to prove who’s “right.” The struggle to be right is something I often see happening as clients details their arguments. This step helps both people understand how the same moment can feel completely different depending on your perspective.

For example:

• Partner A might say, “When you raised your voice, I thought you were furious at me.”

• Partner B might reply, “I didn’t even realize I was loud—I felt desperate to be heard.”

I remind couples: Perception is not the same as fact. Both realities are valid. This step builds mutual understanding and reduces the “you’re wrong” dynamic that keeps couples stuck.

3. Identify Triggers

Often, the intensity of a fight isn’t just about what happened in the moment—it’s about old emotional wounds that were unintentionally touched. These predate the relationship.

Gottman calls these triggers, and they often stem from childhood experiences or past relationships. For example:

• A partner who grew up in a home where conflict meant abandonment may feel panicked when their partner shuts down.

• Someone who was often criticized may feel deeply wounded by even mild complaints.

Recognizing and sharing these triggers is powerful. Tell your partner the story of your trigger to invite in understanding and empathy. It helps each person realize, “Oh, this fight wasn’t just about who did the dishes—it touched something deeper for both of us.” When you understand each other’s sensitive spots, you can begin to approach conflict with more compassion and care.

4. Take Responsibility

This is one of the most courageous and healing steps: owning your part in the conflict.

I encourage both partners to reflect and ask, “What could I have done differently?” Even if you felt hurt or misunderstood, there’s almost always a moment where your tone, words or behavior contributed to the escalation.

Taking responsibility might sound like:

• “I can see that I shut down instead of telling you how I felt. That made things worse.”

• “I raised my voice, and that was scary for you. I’m sorry.”

It’s important to note: responsibility is not the same as blame. It’s not about deciding who’s more “at fault.” It’s about owning your impact, regardless of your intent. This step builds trust and shows your partner that you’re willing to do your part to make things better.

5. Create a Constructive Plan

Finally, the couple comes together to ask: How can we do this differently next time? This step is about prevention and repair—what can we each commit to, so we don’t repeat the same painful pattern? It’s helpful for each partner to state what they can do differently and what is one thing they need from their partner next time.

A constructive plan might include:

• Agreeing to take a 20-minute break when arguments escalate, then returning to the conversation when calmer.

• Using a signal word when someone feels overwhelmed.

In therapy, I help couples build communication tools and emotional regulation skills that support this step. It’s not just about making promises—it’s about building a toolkit for managing conflict with care and respect.

Why This Process Matters

Many couples come to therapy not because they fight—but because they never repair. Over time, unresolved fights pile up, resentment builds, and emotional distance grows. This process gives couples a structured way to slow down, reflect and reconnect.

This isn’t always easy work. It takes honesty, vulnerability and a willingness to grow. But for couples who commit to this process, the results are transformative. You don’t just resolve the issue—you deepen your understanding of each other, and you strengthen the foundation of your relationship.