When Sex Hurts: Normalizing Pain During Sex and What You Can Do About It
For many people, sex is expected to be pleasurable, bonding, and even healing, but what happens when it hurts?
Pain during sex, also known as dyspareunia, is more common than most people realize. Whether it’s a sharp, burning sensation, deep internal pain or discomfort that lingers afterward, experiencing pain during or after sex can feel confusing, isolating or even shameful. But here’s the truth: you’re not broken, and you’re not alone.
Pain during sex is not a sign that something is wrong with you as a person. It’s a signal from your body that something needs attention, compassion and curiosity. Let's explore why sex can be painful and what you can do about it in a way that’s sex-positive, inclusive, and empowering.
Pain During Sex: A Normalized but Overlooked Experience
Studies estimate that as many as 3 in 4 women will experience pain during intercourse at some point in their lives. People of all genders and orientations can experience sexual pain, whether from physical causes, emotional factors or a combination of both.
Yet, many people suffer in silence, brushing it off as “just the way things are” or feeling like they need to “push through” to please a partner. This can lead to feelings of guilt, resentment or disconnection from intimacy altogether.
Here’s the first and most important message:
Sex should not hurt—and if it does, you deserve support, not shame.
Common Causes of Pain During Sex
Pain during sex can come from a wide range of physical, emotional and psychological sources. Here are a few possibilities:
1. Lack of Arousal or Lubrication
When the body isn’t fully aroused, it might not produce enough natural lubrication, especially during penetrative sex. This can make friction painful. Arousal isn't just physical—mental and emotional safety are key.
2. Vaginismus or Pelvic Floor Tension
Some people experience involuntary muscle contractions in the pelvic floor that make penetration painful or impossible. This can be due to anxiety, trauma, or muscle tension.
3. Medical Conditions
Conditions like endometriosis, vulvodynia, interstitial cystitis, STIs, or infections (like yeast or UTIs) can cause chronic or situational pain during sex.
4. Menopause or Hormonal Shifts
Lower estrogen levels, especially during menopause, postpartum or when breastfeeding, can lead to vaginal dryness and thinning of the tissue, which can increase discomfort.
5. Past Trauma or Emotional Stress
Sexual trauma, negative past experiences, or chronic stress can affect how the body responds during intimacy. The body can hold onto trauma in ways that create physical pain.
Sex-Positive Tips for Navigating Pain During Sex
Painful sex doesn’t mean you have to give up on pleasure. Here are some sex-positive, practical steps to explore:
1. Slow Down and Tune In
Start with checking in with your body and emotions. Are you feeling relaxed, safe and connected? Give yourself permission to slow the pace or stop altogether if things don’t feel right. Consent is ongoing, including consent with yourself.
2. Use Lube (Seriously, Use Lube)
Lube is a game-changer and doesn’t mean there’s something “wrong.” It enhances comfort and pleasure for all bodies. Try a high-quality water-based or silicone-based lubricant and don’t skimp.
3. Redefine What Sex Means
Penetration doesn’t equal sex. Intimacy can involve mutual touch, massage, oral sex, using toys or simply being emotionally present with your partner. There are infinite ways to experience pleasure and connection.
4. Communicate Openly with Partners
Let your partner(s) know what feels good, what doesn’t and how you’re feeling emotionally. A caring partner will want to know how to support you, and communication can build trust and intimacy.
5. Explore Pelvic Floor Therapy
Working with a pelvic floor physical therapist can help identify and treat tension, pain or dysfunction. These professionals specialize in gentle, affirming approaches to pelvic health.
6. Vibrators for Arousal Without Penetration
o Purpose: Enhance blood flow, promote arousal, and help relax muscles—making penetration easier over time.
o External (Clitoral) Vibrators:
We-Vibe Touch / Tango
Dame Pom
Lelo Sona (uses sonic waves for indirect stimulation)
o Low-Intensity Vibrators for Sensitive Users:
Zumio Caress
Je Joue Mimi Soft
7. Pelvic Wands (Internal Massage Tools)
· Purpose: Release trigger points and tight muscles deep in the pelvic floor that may be contributing to pain.
· Good For: Endometriosis, painful scar tissue, postpartum recovery, pelvic floor dysfunction.
· Types:
TheraWand (curved for G-spot or internal tension points)
Intimate Rose Pelvic Wand (dual ends for internal massage)
8. Vaginal Dilators (Desensitization Tools)
· Purpose: Gradually help stretch and relax vaginal muscles, especially for conditions like vaginismus, pelvic floor dysfunction or after trauma/surgery.
· How They Work: Dilators come in sets of gradually increasing sizes, used over time to help the body accept penetration gently and safely.
· Recommended Brands: (Pro-tip – use with generous amounts of water-based or silicone-based lubricant for comfort)
Intimate Rose
Luna
Ohnut Depth limiting Rings
SHE-ology (from Dr Sherry Ross)
9. See a Sex-Positive Medical Provider
Not all doctors are trained in sexual health or trauma-informed care. Find a provider who listens, believes you and doesn’t dismiss your pain. Bring a list of symptoms, questions or even a support person to your appointment.
10. Try Mindfulness or Sensate Focus
Mindfulness-based practices can help reconnect the mind and body. Sensate focus, a sex therapy technique, involves slow, non-goal-oriented touch that prioritizes sensation and safety.
8. Talk to a Certified Sex Therapist
A certified sex therapist can help you work through emotional blocks, trauma, relationship dynamics or communication issues related to painful sex. Therapy offers a nonjudgmental space to process and explore.
You Deserve Pleasure and Comfort
Pain doesn’t make you less sexual, less worthy or less whole. The truth is that many people navigate these challenges and go on to have fulfilling, joyful sex lives. Healing is possible with patience, support and the right tools.
Whether the pain is new or something you've carried for years, you're not alone, and you don’t have to keep it a secret. You deserve to feel good in your body. You deserve pleasure without pain. And most importantly, you deserve compassion, curiosity, and care every step of the way.