What Happy Couples Do Differently: 6 Gottman-Backed Habits That Strengthen Relationships
What sets happy couples apart? It’s not luck, chemistry or even compatibility. It’s consistent, intentional habits. Backed by over 40 years of research from Drs. John and Julie Gottman, these habits create emotional connection, trust and resilience in relationships.
When I introduce these habits to clients, and they put them into practice, they report back that these simple changes created a healthier, positive shift in their relationship.
1. Build a Strong “Love Map”
In Gottman’s research, couples who know each other well have stronger bonds. They maintain what's called a Love Map—a deep understanding of each other’s inner world, like:
Current worries
Hopes and dreams
Daily stresses
Favorite things
How to do it: Ask open-ended questions, check in regularly, and stay curious about your partner. “What’s something you’re looking forward to this week?” is a great place to start.
2. Turn Toward Each Other
Every day, partners make small bids for connection—like asking for help, making a joke, or sharing a story. The difference between happy and unhappy couples? Happy couples respond to these bids.
When your partner says, “Check this out,” do you:
A) Look and engage
B) Ignore or brush it off
Turning toward builds emotional trust. Turning away creates distance.
Try this: Practice noticing and responding to your partner’s small gestures for attention or support.
3. Express Fondness & Admiration
According to the Gottman Method, nurturing a culture of appreciation is one of the most powerful ways to strengthen a marriage. Happy couples frequently express:
Gratitude
Affection
Compliments
These moments create a positive perspective, making it easier to handle conflicts when they arise.
Pro tip: Make it a daily habit to say something kind, like “Thank you for making dinner” or “I love how you always support me.”
4. Manage Conflict Constructively
Every couple argues. The difference is in how they argue.
Happy couples use:
Gentle startups instead of criticism
Repair attempts during arguments (like humor or “Let’s take a break”)
Compromise and emotional regulation
And they accept that some problems are perpetual. Instead of trying to “fix” everything, they learn to talk about differences respectfully.
5. Create Shared Meaning
Strong couples build a shared sense of purpose through:
Rituals (like cooking Sunday dinner together)
Shared goals (like saving for a home)
Core values (like honesty, growth, or family)
This deeper connection helps couples weather life's storms and keeps the relationship meaningful.
Ask each other: What traditions or goals matter most to us right now?
6. Keep the Emotional Bank Account Full
The Gottman’s coined the term Emotional Bank Account to describe the balance of positive vs. negative interactions.
The magic ratio? 5:1—five positive interactions for every negative one.
Small daily deposits include:
Compliments
Touch
Humor
Acts of kindness
Quality time
When your account is full, tough times don’t feel like deal-breakers.
The important take-away: You don’t need a perfect relationship—you need intentional habits.
And guess what? You can start today—with one kind word, one moment of connection, or one shared goal.