Navigating Jealousy in Open Relationships

Open relationships can be beautifully expansive, allowing for emotional depth, erotic variety, and deep personal growth. But even the most seasoned individuals in open relationships can’t dodge one universal human experience: Jealousy.

Jealousy gets a bad rap, especially in sex-positive spaces where love is ideally abundant and infinite. It’s often painted as a sign of insecurity, possessiveness, or emotional immaturity. But jealousy isn’t the enemy—it’s an invitation. When we learn to understand and work with our jealousy, it can become a compass guiding us toward deeper self-awareness and stronger, more honest relationships.

First, Let’s Normalize Jealousy

One of the most empowering things you can do is to give yourself permission to feel jealousy without shame. In a world that equates love with exclusivity, feeling threatened when a partner is with someone else is deeply ingrained. But that doesn’t mean those feelings are bad.

Jealousy is a secondary emotion. Jealousy isn’t a moral failing. It’s an emotional signal. Like anger, sadness, or fear, it carries information. The trick is to get curious about what that information is.

Ask: What’s Beneath the Jealousy?

Rather than fighting jealousy or pretending it doesn’t exist, it’s important to dissect it. Is your jealousy about fear of being abandoned? Anxiety about not being “enough”? A desire for more attention, reassurance, or intimacy?

Talk with a sex positive therapist, try journaling or discussing your feelings with your partner to uncover the roots. Some common triggers include:

• Fear of comparison: “What if they’re better than me in bed?”

• Fear of loss: “What if my partner falls in love with them?”

• Fear of exclusion: “What if they do things together that I’m left out of?”

• Low self-worth: “Why would they want me when they have someone new?”

Each of these fears is valid and human. None of them make you less worthy of being in an open relationship. Identifying your specific emotional needs can be the first step to meeting them constructively.

Here are some Tools for Managing Jealousy

1. Feel It Without Acting on It

Jealousy can trigger impulsive reactions like snapping at your partner, making ultimatums, or pulling away emotionally. Instead, let yourself fully feel the emotion without needing to fix or punish.

Try sitting with the feeling. Breathe into it. Notice where it lives in your body. Say to yourself: “I’m feeling jealous right now, and that’s okay.”

2. Name Your Needs

Jealousy often points to unmet needs. Maybe you need more quality time with your partner, or more communication when they’re seeing someone new. Once you’ve identified the need, you can ask for it directly.

Instead of saying, “I don’t want you to see them,” try, “When you’re out with them, I feel insecure. Can we schedule a date night, so I feel more connected to you?”

3. Create Transparent Agreements

Successful open relationships are based on negotiated agreements, not assumptions. These can include:

• How much notice you want before your partner sees someone new

• Boundaries around overnight stays or trips

• How much detail you want to hear about their other relationships

These agreements can evolve and revisiting them regularly helps everyone feel safe and seen.

4. Practice Self-Soothing and Self-Love

When jealousy flares up, it’s a great time to turn inward. What helps you feel safe and loved? Maybe it’s taking a walk, calling a friend, having a solo pleasure session, or diving into a creative hobby.

Remember: your self-worth doesn’t come from being someone’s “only.” It comes from within and nurturing that relationship with yourself is crucial in non-monogamy.

When Jealousy Persists: A Signpost, Not a Stop Sign

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, jealousy sticks around. That’s okay. Seriously. In those moments, treat yourself with radical compassion. You're not failing at open relationships, you’re just human.

Chronic jealousy may be a sign to reassess relationship structures, pacing, or whether you’re getting your core needs met. It might even point toward relationship styles that suit you better—like hierarchical polyamory, relationship anarchy, or monogamish dynamics. There’s no “one right way.”

Jealousy is part of the emotional landscape of open relationships. But it doesn’t have to be a barrier. You can transform jealousy into insight, pain into connection, and fear into growth.

So, if you're feeling jealous, don’t panic. Get curious. Get honest. Get support. And know that you’re not broken, in fact, you’re quite human for experiencing this emotion.